When we talk about romantic love we often describe our longing for the ‘butterflies”. That heady, decadent energy which rolls up our body and lands end over end in our core and lasts for a beautiful involuntary moment. It burns like we swallowed a match, yet it has the power to rule us! It’s an ignition of some sort. When our stomach sends it flying up to our brain our spark plugs fire and scream…Oh yes! I want that!
And that’s when woman do stupid things for boys, no matter what our age. And men become weak in the knees and give up all machismo for a girl no matter how strong they are. Its also where partnerships are born and lives sometimes change. Mostly the sensation is fueled by the story we assign to it. The what is this? Is it real? What does it mean? Sometimes it’s a significator and sometimes it’s just a butterfly. It’s silly and often fleeting and awesome and absolutely deeeelicious!
The thrill of the butterfly can become our holy grail as we humans wistfully pursue our precious provocative butterflies!
But what if we simply allowed those butterflies to surround us and caress us for a moment with their colorful wings? What if we let them fly outside our net of anxious hope and storied fantasy and just enjoyed their moment with us?
Looking back over a decade that has only 6 weeks left, I am amazed to see how lucky I’ve been when I count my butterflies. I have had beautiful experiences and movie like moments that I know some humans never know. They are stored on the projector in my mind and I often play them while falling asleep. When I do so, I notice I wake up with this warm lazy sleep smile. Sleep smiles are one of my favorite things.
Sometimes my butterfly movie plays on a long car ride, when the tunes on the car radio lift the curtain and show me vibrant wings of beautiful connection. The time passes quickly then and it puts me in gratitude. All my butterfly moments were attracted by a heart with no attachment to any outcome and a simple joy fully present in a moment. The beautiful butterfly is a free creature after all. It would seem a free soul attracts them!
I was lucky – for a long time I knew a soulmate love. His car still gave me butterflies when it pulled in the driveway after 18 years. Surely, I used to think, a sign that our love was stupendous and real! It was nearly my undoing when he left. It was indeed my unraveling when I realized too late that he never knew about those butterflies.
Sometimes unraveling is good, it gives us an opportunity to spool things together much better than they ever were before.
I respooled myself to live fully present in love not fear. A vow that seemingly initiated a whole new decade of butterflies and attracted more than a few romantic ones. Each one was a simply perfect moment that stopped me in my tracks and was enjoyed in sheer bliss and gratitude with nothing more attached to it.
I know each of these butterfly moments was meant to show me life’s meaning and fill me with love. There are so many clips to my butterfly movie and each one is framed in a different vibration, yet it is all love as it flickers past my mind.
Standing in a light rain outside a guys apartment building, each of us with one earbud as he introduced me to his favorite song. Our eyes locked and I could feel his breath before he leaned in for a movie star kiss that set my toes curling. His long dark hair fell over his forehead and as I brushed it back I felt like Barbara Streisand in the final scene of ‘The way we were’ when she did the same to “Huxtable” . My giggle broke the mood but not before the full effect of the moment made me simply glad to have had it. This beautiful sensitive writer would open me to startling stories I never knew. The universe was showing me not to be afraid of a little rain, to stretch my comfort zone away from my conservative ideals.
Sitting at my desk in my quiet storefront office after a Christmas party, I look up when my late date walks in. He is all boyish charm and sex appeal. From half way across the room our eyes lock and his low deep voice whispers, “You’re so beautiful” , it makes me glad I wore the red dress and my hair down. The butterfly swoops in when Mr. Sexy leans over my chair swivels it around with strong arms and drinks me in for a slow deep kiss. I’m still a little breathless when we go next door to a crowded bar where he softly sings in my ear and the butterfly softly brushes against my heart. I am lost in the gratitude of a life that goes on to feel such things. This rocker dude is soft and romantic and our connection is palpable. I know the universe is showing me to turn up my own music and dance with abandon.
After a cozy dinner, the handsome retired fireman pays the bill, tips the waiter and holds the door open as my boots hit the sidewalk. We are walking and laughing when suddenly he swivels around tosses me over his shoulder and fireman carries me to my car. I laugh so hard as the butterflies swarm through me and I’m 16 again. Lighthearted and free and I have so much gratitude for this light after my darkness. It feels so good to belly laugh. I’m still laughing and completely uninhibited when he sets me down, cups my face in both hands and sweetly kisses my forehead. I grab the gray hair at his nape and say one of the most heartfelt thank you’s of my life. He could not possibly know that he showed me in a quick silly moment how good it felt just then to be alive. After our good nights, I drove off with a new appreciation for fireman and the for a universe that showed me the importance of cherishing a lighthearted spirit and to drop my guard and be free.
On a beautiful, random but chilly Spring day I find myself playing hooky with a between jobs banker. Strolling on a beautiful beach where the salt spray catches us now and again. The lighthouse in the distance beckons us and my handsome friend says, “Hey let’s climb up top”. “OK, let’s” , I say as the wind catches my voice and tosses it up to the clouds, preparing our way. A half hour later we are sitting on top of the world, or at least the Fire Island lighthouse. Strangely there are no tourists and aside from a lady in the gift shop we are left to our own devices. It’s small on top of this beautiful beacon so my friend sits behind me a bit as we squeeze against the rail and the stone to sit together. It’s cozy and cuddly with our warm ski jackets and arms around each other. The view is gorgeous – down below and up here as my friend smiles at me, relaxed and very good looking with a rugged outdoorsy confidence. I forgot to tell him I’m afraid of heights. I stare into his blue eyes and the butterfly swiftly flys through me. All fluttery and ignited. Mr. Rugged leans in for a hug and a squeeze and I feel so safe when I lean into his puffy coat. We sit that way for a couple of hours ruminating about life, just talking about everything and nothing. No tension just connection. The universe shows me what true friendship is and I am so grateful to be accepted without judgement. The universe and it’s butterflies has shown me that part of feeling safe is allowing yourself to lean in to the world and it’s gifts let yourself be fully supported by a world that loves you.
Days later I am strolling through Manhattan with my friend Mr.Rugged , when we look up and find ourselves in front of St. Patrick’s Cathedral. “C’mon”, he says as he runs up the steps and I follow. We walk to the front and slide in a pew and begin to pray together. He quietly takes my hand as we kneel down. As both of us are in our private sacred place there opens another sacred space between us. My butterfly hovers there, settled in my root chakra. I am completely in the “now” of moment. I know it’s not about me or Mr. Rugged , the universe has chosen to show me that connection between humans is in its highest octave when joined with Spirit. This seemingly random moment has been orchestrated by a powerful universe. As Mr. Rugged looks at me and gently smiles, I know I will never forget this sweet and beautiful moment.
There have been so many moments like that. Butterflies and synchronicity. I could fill a book and maybe I will. But we should all know life is a series of moments, creases in the sands of our hearts to show us the connection in our soul. If we hold these moments reverently and experience them with emotion instead of thought we grow deeper in our connection to creation. Then the universe and all its gifts becomes the all powerful love of our life. It is a partner that while it is forever changing, will remain. When we connect with this truth a part of us becomes unshakable, no longer fleeting or wavering but empowering and supporting. No one person or relationship is larger than that love.
Let your butterflies be the voice of love. Let them be a free expression of love from a wise and supporting universe. Don’t weigh them down or capture them in the net of your minds stories. Instead let the breeze from their fluttery wings blow away your conditioning and unfurl a whole new experience.
May your butterflies be free and plentiful.
Peace and love,