Yesterday was a strange and revealing day. A rare experience of synchronicity and signs and truth. It was my Mother’s birthday and I felt her spirit strongly. I still remember her touch on my face, her smell and beautiful wide smile. I surrounded myself with her energy as I drove to Sloan Kettering for my annual tests. I had triumphed 10 years ago over the disease that killed her. I watched it slowly ravage her beautiful body and spirit and finally take her life, only to be diagnosed with it myself 6 months later.
At that time I was terrified by the images in my head of what she endured. The way she looked and the way she would scream in pain after it went to the bones and the nurses would try to move her. Back then, afraid to share that fate, I pleaded and prayed and begged God for my beautiful life. I did indeed have a triumphant outcome.
Now years later, I confidently drove to my annual checkup, knowing I was fine but as always slightly worried.
Usually testing is quick – they run a tight ship at Sloan..mammo and sonogram maybe 45 minutes and I’m done. Not yesterday. Yesterday Venus square Mars decided to play with me. I was there for 3 hours. Sitting in a hospital gown as they needed more pictures over and over again, each time putting me back in the waiting room while they looked at my films. Then saying they need more. Obviously seeing something …. Excruciating, slow moving time. Time to think, time to remember, time to spend with my little dark side. Shit.
There was no one in the waiting room with me any of the times I was sent back to sit. How is that in such a busy place? Obviously Spirit wanted it to be so.
Happy birthday Mom…are you still with me? Send your baby girl good pixie dust from up there and a few angels too.
And I sat. And , I let them squish and prod. And I sat. Again and again for 3 hours…finally they sat me in the waiting room for a long time.
I connected with myself , felt my breath and the space in between my breath. I felt the real inside me. Who I am – not my body or mind but my energy, my essence the soul of me, the place that lives past all. And we had a talk in a quiet empty corner of a huge and very busy place. My soul and I were alone , in no world , in no time. Just in space of being, an eternal place of truth.
And I thought … maybe Cancer has come back.
I felt no fear. I felt grateful for the years in between, I had a good run, longer than many. I used the years to change, help a lot of people. That was good. My soul showed me that and confirmed the love I shared with many who suffered.
Behind my closed eyes, I saw the movie of when I was diagnosed 10 years ago. It starred a different me. I saw how I immediately and hysterically wanted to save and cling to my beautiful life. How I feared death. And how naive and asleep I had been before that day.
Now I felt so different. Strangely calm. I knew without a doubt if they came in and told me I needed a biopsy and it proved I had cancer that I would refuse treatment and let it run its natural course. And I was fine with it. I felt satisfied with the life I lived up to that moment. There was no regrets. I feared pain a bit but not death. There was ( no offense) not anyone I would miss terribly, no place I would regret not going, and no thing I would wish to have.
I felt satisfied. In that very moment I had enough. My soul was good. In need of nothing this life or earth could provide. I had achieved the degree of non attachment my peace had so long strived for. The depth of unconditional love I desired was on the other side waiting for me.
I resolved to flow with whatever was coming. If Creator gave me more days it meant I had more days of important work to do here. My purpose confirmed. If it meant the end of this lifetime was coming then I would be joyful to go home. Acceptance. Flow. Perfectly aligned. I sat. Just being, not “waiting”.
The waiting room door opened a bit later and the tech handed me a letter and told me I could go. I was fine. I felt Spirit say, “you have work to do”. I got up walked across the hall to the dressing room and looked at my eyes in the mirror. I was so changed from that person 10 years ago. And so grateful for me, my soul and the candid truth my awakening brings every day to this world and myself.
I remembered I woke up at 5:55 that morning. The number 5 means change.
What a beautiful experience Creator gave me today on Moms birthday to show me the change and evolution of my soul in this lifetime.
I got dressed , and walked past the small waiting room where I had sat alone on and off for 3 hours in quiet contemplation with my soul, it was now packed with 5 people. Of course it is I thought. It was empty so I could spend the morning with God.
That night I had a reading to do for a client. As those of us who do that work know there is always a message for us hidden in every reading. The clients friend who had passed over came through during the reading. ‘What is your friends birthday”, I asked the client.
‘Oh it’s May 5th” came the reply.
5/5 .
Change.
I just smiled and thanked Spirit for that confirmation.
He had indeed shown me much change today.
Yes, I had work to do in the world.
This morning I woke up at 5:55 again…..to b continued…
