As I read the harsh words of a text meant to wound me, tears slowly roll down my cheeks contracting my heart. I know I can’t allow this to be anymore. It hurts to remain open, but I won’t let this truth close me. I know I need to feel it. I need to feel your coldness against my burning heart. I need to stand at the crossroad of you and I and see truth. Feel it in every pore and know “we” can not be part of my life anymore.
‘You’ll never know. You will never know me. You will never know my heart. You will never know… ‘I think to myself with no need to say.
That thought breaks me..
I realize how much I wanted you to know me, know my heart, see through my eyes to the love in my soul.
I realize how much I wanted that, as the pain of loss shouts ‘he will never know” through every cell of my body. I allow it to roll through me. I feel incredibly weak. I’m shaking. I’m tired of these crossroads that I’ve stood at for far too long now. I’m pissed I allowed myself to come here again, even as I know all it has taught and given me. In the end there will be gratitude. I promise myself that but first I know I have to go through the rinse cycle. Yes, loss has a pattern.
The little girl inside is afraid to be alone for a few moments.
But she doesn’t take up as much residence as she used to, and it’s not long before big girl takes over her space. Big girl is hurting, shaky and scared too, but not as weak. Big girl cries but rises to the occasion. Big girl is the one that chooses the crossroad , when little girl sits in the middle and weeps.
Little girl is bewildered by harsh things and often rendered quite helpless. But she is merging with and becoming more like big girl every day. I can feel big girl taking over most of her now. It feels good. She is healing her little one. Giving support where there never was any before. Little one hardly ever sits in the closet cowering anymore. The memories that once haunted her are no longer there. Like ripping off a band aid and seeing nothing underneath, the healing is completing.
This merging of little one and big one has opened a space that is filled with something new but familiar. Like a promise forgotten but made a very long time ago. I feel an even higher self seep into her space of old and wrap me in their arms. Holding me in unconditional love. This higher self feels like me, really me, the me that underreallystands. The me that is clear and unburdened by deep wound. This is the home base I have always searched for. An operating system, totally supported, one I can function in at full speed.
‘You’ll never know” rolls over in my heart again bringing fresh tears. No, he won’t ever know. He will never know the depths of you, your light reflected in his eyes, your kind touch or your comfort whispered in his ear. He will never know your need or your want. He will never know the intensity of your offer or the reward of your truth.
But I know. The voice coming out of the dark is my own. The sound brings renewed strength.
I take the first step on the path of the crossroad I’ve chosen. The one without you.
Surprisingly, the hollow in me at the loss of you ,isn’t so bad, it’s manageable.
It’s filled with me and the promise ahead.
I feel all of those things inside me, the comfort, love and light given to you- they are all mine now and more. I give them to myself and it is where I find the truth of me. I feel my beauty and strength and I am overcome with the miracle of myself and the wise one who created it all. Me. You. This. All happening for my future.
I know I need an opening for love to shine through and reflect back. I’m sad that we have no such opening. But my wisdom and my truth that such exists grows stronger, buoyed by the essence of love welling up so strong inside me.
As promised the gratitude comes as the rinse cycle winds down.
And I know it will be OK.
There is someone that will know me. It is simply not you.
But there is someone.
Someone like me that has dropped their sword and opened their heart.
Someone who has healed their little one and knows these crossroads have no blame or shame, but simply are.
someone bursting with love as I am.
Step by step I move on.
I trust. The universe. Myself. Me. Truth. Spirit .
I promise little girl and big girl to always do my best to be love and the best version of us we can be.